After a rough week, i might be feeling better soon.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112832075823036088

Summer days are so bad. Boiling, shower to cool off, to go to work to boil again.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112831829466415336

Mostly cloudy days reminding me of when we parted ways
We tried so hard to talk, everytime you'd walk
Away from me and all I had to offer,
but I know that its because I wasn't there no more, off a
million different reasons, so I asked you,
and you said you'd never walked off, and
now I'm thinking its my conscious,
but you apologize and hold me tight,
you give me some time and some light,
you hear my plight,
so I hold my hands out for you,
you hold it so tight,
that makes me think, me and you will be alright, its true.

I think of friendships like romance novels do,
Like a long lost love is what will get me through,
A night alone again, waking up so damned,
I think if I found someone again, I'd want them to be my friend. Will you be mine?

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112802671222340180

I had a chance to play against the people who labled me "group hate". And I feel like I rescued them from some people trying to do some really messy things, and it was interesting seeing them getting to play when you hate out in the right directions.

I felt like a protector. It reminded me of when I started playing commander, and all I could do is kingmaker.

It made me miss all my friends I used to play with. Even if you make friends and they would never leave you, sometimes, life doesn't give us a choice. And when you are always on the side of others leaving, it can leave you some sort of way.

To all those out there who are alone, because we were walked away from, remember some people get dragged away, they don't do it on purpose. Don't be afraid to keep opening your heart to new people.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112802667320395355

"My wife has no emotions" started off as what appeared to be little 4 panel comics converted into an anime, but I worry is falling into trope only territory. Will it come out the other side, or will this be its new normal?

This anime is the story of a man who bought a used (2nd hand) cooking robot, and falls in love with it. The robot agrees to his proposal of marriage. Things continue from there.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112792841444552509

"Makeine: Too Many Losing Heroines!" has a concept that I'm really liking for episode one, and that I hope does not fall into trope traps many other anime do.

It is very much a "otherside of the story" story about the girls who lose in the love triangle, and the protagonist who happens to witness it.

The first "loser" girl's reaction to being caught doing a 2nd hand kiss from her lost love when they ran off is probably one of the few times I had the same emotions as the protagonist.

The story keeps going from that moment in what I can only assume will be a series of unfortunate repetitions of similar situations.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112792578204634530

https://youtu.be/b5amd7ECYWg?si=C8Sec-jsHy56stQA

Love me some YukkoEx.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112783227352315006

Been going to commander nights at my flgs, and I must say, my main deck is way under performing. But when it wins, people get really triggered by it.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112770893318360570

So she leaves, and I go sit down. I fucking hate this. What am I supposed to do with this. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I hate it there. I would have gone if she asked, but she didn’t. Did she want me there?
It’s all unresolved. If I ask, then I get the answer I don’t want to hear, and I go there. If I leave it alone, then I’m uncaring, and feel like shit. And don’t know anything. Is this the point where I’m supposed to realize I don’t even love her?
I hate this feeling. I get a drink. I turn on the television. I let the feeling sink back and away. Burned away by the alcohol. I ignore the feeling, and as the hour goes on, it gets easier to ignore.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112755433711384231

Sometimes you just want to feel like an asshole.
It’s not that the little things bother me really. It’s more that they keep piling on in rapid succession without being addressed. Someone says something in such a way as to leave things unresolved. There is no concrete request or question, just a statement, said in such a way as to ask me to do something with it.
“I’m going to the hospital. This is the address,” she said to me handing me a piece of paper. She couldn’t be bothered to ask me for a ride, or anything. So I have to stand here, like a schmuck and either ask her if she wants me there, or let her go. And I don’t even fucking know what she wants.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112755433346489466

I love that the word innuendo includes an innuendo about putting it in your end though.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112755386753362348

https://sites.google.com/view/pangoria-fallstar/writing/original-fiction

This story and other fiction I have written can be found here.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112755362640413048

Sometimes a simple word describes something so easily that it is impossible to muddy it with additional words. Our reality is nothing but what we ascribe to it. We create it with our words. We manifest it with our thoughts. Nothing is real until we describe it.
Crescendo.
That is how I feel. It echos. My actions, my thoughts, my words.
Reverberate.
Back and forth, unwinding and rewinding and playing back again.
Looping.
I’m looping again. I can feel it. It is the same thoughts, and they are getting faster and faster. Spinning around in my head, leaving me dizzy and breathless. Getting louder and louder.
Crescendo.
No, I’ve done that one already. Where was I? Why am I even shouting right now?
I walk out the door. The cold night air bites into my skin. I didn’t grab a jacket or my keys. I’m past the gate and walking down the street now. Heading towards the lights, where the supermarket is just a few blocks down.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112755314952356913

Woke up with a major headache, hyper dehydrated (I chugged the refillable water bottle I keep at bedside) and found out that my computer crashing has led to a program needing to be uninstalled and reinstalled completely because its stuck on an auto restart loop. Mondays am I right?

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112751575692453814

The worst part of learning about my autism, is seeing it in my mom. And seeing why she would be so frustrated with me. Because SHE learned to mask. Why couldn't I do it? Everyone had to! But no mom... not everyone did. And I'm so sorry that you were traumatized into this performance you can't make yourself stop. And you just die a little inside every day. But because of your trauma, you put that trauma on me too. I forgive that though. Especially now, seeing and realizing what your actions mean. How you go non-verbal. This whole time. This whole fucking time.

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112744010780025235

Death

---

I need help processing my emotions.

My aunt passed away two days ago. She was one of my mom's older siblings and was on the surface a nice person. Note I haven't seen her in over 24 years and before that it was 8 years and before that it was 4 years. So, this isn't a super close person.

She was changing homes, and when she did, she temporarily lived with us (my mom and me). Then she got established.

Later, we lost our home so we temporarily lived with her. Then we moved away, and it took 8 years before I saw her again. At a family reunion at her home (she went from homeless to having her own house).

Meanwhile, nothing worked out for my mom and we were poor, living in an apartment. My mom was working 3 jobs. Her sister, had started her own business.

Sometime after the reunion, my Aunt's husband got sick. She needed financial help, and asked my mom. Mom told her we were poor and could not spare any money, and my Aunt accused her of wanted he husband dead. (He got better and is still alive).

Now what?

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112740503868287555

Anime with good first episodes this season so far:

Alya Sometimes Hides Her Feelings in Russian, Tokidoki Bosotto Russia-go de Dereru Tonari no Alya-san, Roshidere, Alya-san, who sits besides me and sometimes murmurs affectionately in Russian., Arya Next Door Sometimes Lapses into Russian, 時々ボソッとロシア語でデレる隣のアーリャさん

Pseudo Harem, Giji Harem, 疑似ハーレム

Twilight Out of Focus, Tasogare Out Focus, 黄昏アウトフォーカス

Senpai is an Otokonoko, Senpai wa Otokonoko, Otokonoko ga Kouhai ni Kokuhaku sareru Hanashi, My Crossdressing Senpai, Painoko, 先輩はおとこのこ

source https://tech.lgbt/@pangoriaF/112731252400365152